So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
