I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
