She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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