Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I stole a fireplace last night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
