Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
