Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
not ubering you a puppy
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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