at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
