oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
