I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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