I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
