I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
