I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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