he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize