the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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