Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
