Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
