Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
