The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
