So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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