K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
