It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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