I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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