I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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