i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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