I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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