Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
