Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
