She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize