The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wear drunk well.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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