I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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