Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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