I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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