battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize