went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
