I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the day after is always just damage control
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I want to be your penis for a week.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
