which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
