He is such a slut. More and more my type.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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