my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
