Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
