Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
