I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
