i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
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