The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize