woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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