my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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