My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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