nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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