Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
