Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
