The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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