Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
