I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
