sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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