well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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