I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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