I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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