you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
